The other night, Naomi said to her husband: “What if we took a vacation for once, together, without children?” He grunted that it was not such a good idea, and the question never came back.
Between Jessica and Tom, everything goes well. They are in love, independent, and each has their own apartment. Yet Tom would like to move in with the woman he loves, but the last time they talked about it, she exclaimed, “I don’t think we are ready.”
Two different situations and yet not so far apart. Do you notice what they have in common? One of the two partners is reluctant to make plans.
It is not necessarily love that makes a couple last, but a common project. We have all heard “love is not enough” thing, and it turns out to be true. Whether for six months or 15 years, building a common project is essential. It is challenging to consider staying in a relationship with someone who does not have the same goals as ours.
Tom has a sense of family in his soul. He has always been surrounded with love and has a close family. Getting married and having children seems to him a goal to achieve to feel good in this relationship. On the other hand, Jessica, being more independent, is not yet ready for all that and prefers to devote herself to finishing her studies.
The projects reflect our person, our aspirations, and the direction we want to take to move forward. Doing projects in two allows making plans for the future, which ensures certain sustainability of the couple. We project ourselves with each other in several weeks, months, even years. We imagine what it will be like when we finally have a flat for two or when we have the baby we have wished for a long time.
The Challenge of Long-Term Projects
Some projects can be done in the medium, some in the long term. Both imply real commitment, responsibility, and willingness to support the other person. They represent remarkable moments that will help the couple grow. With each joint project accomplished, it is a new level in a couple’s life.
However, doing projects can sometimes involve some risks if you do them for the wrong reasons.
Keep in mind that rushing things cannot be beneficial to the couple. If Tom rushes his girlfriend to move in together after two months, we can imagine that he does so not only because he is on fire, but also because he still lives with his parents. In this situation, Tom tries to burn the stages because his relationship with Jessica is still relatively fresh and because he sees there the ideal opportunity for him to leave the family cocoon. It may seem to be fulfilling at the moment but not in the long run since it was not founded on the idea of strengthening their relationship and commitment.
Tom may be in trouble after a few months. The stagnation will settle between them, and if he didn’t take the time to think about his relationship beforehand, he would begin to doubt it, and we come across the typical case of “Did we do this too fast?” Instead of wanting to move forward, Tom will then seek to backtrack, which would be worse than anything. To cancel a common project gives the impression to their partner that they want to give up on the relationship and its future.
A long-term project must neither serve one’s own interests nor be done in haste. It must be the result of commitment because long-term projects represent each time a new stage in the couple’s life.
Another risk is to set up a project that will temporarily solve a problem. For example, a common mistake is to believe that having a child will regenerate your love. Once the excitement of the birth passed, the unresolved problem may resurge at the moment when your child needs you two the most.
The urgency here is to deal with the source of discord. Take time to find your inner voice and to rethink your goals and possibilities. After solving the problem that made the future of your relationship uncertain, things will start developing smoothly in the right direction.
And After the Wedding …?
You came to the point of getting married and creating a family. Congratulations! You have just passed major stages of a relationship: marriage, moving in, and maybe having children. And now, you look at each other and ask yourself what’s next. It would be wrong to think that common projects are limited to these three key moments.
Conceiving common projects also allows you to get out of your comfort zone, which will make your life as a couple more fulfilling, generating new emotions and experiences. On your bucket list, there will be things that your partner will not want to do and vice versa. For example, if you want to redecorate your room, but your husband sees little interest, you know it’s useless to wait for him to repaint the walls. You can, therefore, invest freely in this task. He will surely be pleased to see the efforts you are making to arrange your love nest.
Now, you have all the keys to launching successful joint projects without haste and without changing yourself. So are you ready to visit Tokyo together for the next summer holiday?